Here
is the point I am at in our relationship, have you ever loved someone
so much it hurt? I have and still do but I guess I am just to the point
where I don't care anymore. I think he is in the same place too but
doesn't want to admit it. I know he loves me but there is no emotion
there, nothing, no response to anything but dismissal and anger. I know
what the odds are for parents of children with special needs to stay
together and they aren't high. It probably doesn't help that we have no
"natural support system" that I keep hearing so much about. I know we
are both still in love but we just don't get along. I know I have a lot
of resentment, he has a lot of stress from work. I get tired of being
home with the kids, he gets frustrated because he can't deal with them
and handle them the way I do. I am constantly criticized by people
around me for how I do things, he is not very hands on with things
having to deal with the kids
because it frustrates him easily. It is this never ending battle no one
is going to win. Now don't get me wrong I can handle stress and lots of
it, I have been doing it for years but there comes a point where your
mind and body have had enough and I think I am slowly approaching my
limit. I could handle the kids, and the housework, and schools and
meetings and docs, and the migraines and back pain with random muscle
spasms daily but not all at once, not anymore. (I really hope this means
I am not old bc I am totally not old!!!!!)
The
teachers and doctors are basically paid to be my team I can not force
my husband to be on my team. He can do what he wants and most of the
time it isn't what I want. I have a very bad habit of wanting to be
right all the time. (I am usually right most of the time
esp when it comes to the kids) Like most men though he won't admit it
and he wants to do it his way. I try and do it his way but damn my
stubborn personality and big mouth bc usually I can't do it and I argue
and fight until I get my way. (huge flaw on my part) I guess this is the
way I see myself, the house and kids are my job, I take my job
incredibly seriously. I read, I research, I talk and network with lots
of people to get the help the kids need. I do very little for myself.
(when I walk in to walmart and I don't know how to wear most of the
clothes in there you know you need to get out more) I think my husband
feels I am just controlling, however that is not what I am trying to be,
I have about 20 different balls in the air at any given time and to
drop anyone of them would mean they all fall which is a disaster. I am
just trying to keep the house running smoothly.
A
thought that often pops into my head is what would happen if I died, or
got seriously hurt? That thought terrifies me!!! I don't have an
answer. No one can do what I do, not my husband, not anyone. I have to
be invincible, literally superwoman. Try explaining that to your husband
because I have tried and he says I am just way over reacting. (I am so
totally not, you have to be prepared for situations like this just in
case)
I
know he loves me, I can see it in his face sometimes, but most of the
time its all his "strictly business" face because he disagrees with me
or doesn't want to listen to my "complaining". (face it men thats what
women do, deal with it, you fart we complain seems fair to me) I know I
am a
very intense person but from my in my opinion in this line of work you
have to be. No one is going to fight or advocate for your kids but
you/me. I just don't know how we are ever going to figure out how to
make the situation functional when we are both so stubborn, then again stranger things have happened.
