Tuesday, August 27, 2013

My husband loves me but......

Now please before you read to much into that statement my husband and I have been together over 9yrs and been married 7. We have 4 children 3 with FXS and Autism and ADHD. He works 4 ten hour days and I stay home. We don't get out a lot, we don't get many breaks and we are both stressed beyond belief. That being said......

Here is the point I am at in our relationship, have you ever loved someone so much it hurt? I have and still do but I guess I am just to the point where I don't care anymore. I think he is in the same place too but doesn't want to admit it. I know he loves me but there is no emotion there, nothing, no response to anything but dismissal and anger. I know what the odds are for parents of children with special needs to stay together and they aren't high. It probably doesn't help that we have no "natural support system" that I keep hearing so much about. I know we are both still in love but we just don't get along. I know I have a lot of resentment, he has a lot of stress from work. I get tired of being home with the kids, he gets frustrated because he can't deal with them and handle them the way I do. I am constantly criticized by people around me for how I do things, he is not very hands on with things having to deal with the kids because it frustrates him easily. It is this never ending battle no one is going to win. Now don't get me wrong I can handle stress and lots of it, I have been doing it for years but there comes a point where your mind and body have had enough and I think I am slowly approaching my limit. I could handle the kids, and the housework, and schools and meetings and docs, and the migraines and back pain with random muscle spasms daily but not all at once, not anymore. (I really hope this means I am not old bc I am totally not old!!!!!)
The teachers and doctors are basically paid to be my team I can not force my husband to be on my team. He can do what he wants and most of the time it isn't what I want. I have a very bad habit of wanting to be right all the time. (I am usually right most of the time esp when it comes to the kids) Like most men though he won't admit it and he wants to do it his way. I try and do it his way but damn my stubborn personality and big mouth bc usually I can't do it and I argue and fight until I get my way. (huge flaw on my part) I guess this is the way I see myself, the house and kids are my job, I take my job incredibly seriously. I read, I research, I talk and network with lots of people to get the help the kids need. I do very little for myself. (when I walk in to walmart and I don't know how to wear most of the clothes in there you know you need to get out more) I think my husband feels I am just controlling, however that is not what I am trying to be, I have about 20 different balls in the air at any given time and to drop anyone of them would mean they all fall which is a disaster. I am just trying to keep the house running smoothly.
A thought that often pops into my head is what would happen if I died, or got seriously hurt? That thought terrifies me!!! I don't have an answer. No one can do what I do, not my husband, not anyone. I have to be invincible, literally superwoman. Try explaining that to your husband because I have tried and he says I am just way over reacting. (I am so totally not, you have to be prepared for situations like this just in case)
I know he loves me, I can see it in his face sometimes, but most of the time its all his "strictly business" face because he disagrees with me or doesn't want to listen to my "complaining". (face it men thats what women do, deal with it, you fart we complain seems fair to me) I know I am a very intense person but from my in my opinion in this line of work you have to be. No one is going to fight or advocate for your kids but you/me. I just don't know how we are ever going to figure out how to make the situation functional when we are both so stubborn, then again stranger things have happened.

*disclaimer: yes my husband has read this and yes it is being posted with his permission*

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